Going through the motions doesn’t please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.
My Friends & Colleagues,
This week, some really loving friends have pointed out to me that since I’ve come back from this last year’s trauma, I’ve been behaving ‘chaotically.’
Truthfully, I had not fully recognized that. What I have seen is that my relationships generally have been experiencing difficult
The pain when I first came home was so bad, now that I was offthe vicodin, that I could not sleep or sit for any length of time. So
when I slept, it was only for short spurts–2 hours at the most. I was sleep-deprived and so tired I dozed off at every quiet moment. I did not have the energy to do anything, including answer the phone. Whatever bad habits I had before were exacerbated by this year’s traumas.
I’m sorry for my chaotic, unprofessional, and stress-related behavior, for the embarrassment, pain, offense, insult, and discomfort I’ve caused you, and promise you all that I am now dealing with these residual wounds. Please pray for me, that I will heal, be restored, and come out of this valley transformed by His grace and love.
For those who have demonized my behavior, be assured that my God heals all who ask–even the most chaotic heart, once that heart recognizes the chaos. Even if you cannot forgive or have mercy on me, trust my God to heal, restore, and rescue my weakness.
Again, I’m really sorry for all these post-traumatic-stress behaviors, for making your lives more stressful, and am working to change them.
Rash language cuts and maims,
but there is healing in the words of the wise.